Wiggle, wiggle

Oh my. Have you heard the most recent 'hit' from Jason Derulo (who, btw was born in '89 just like I was)? If you haven't, please click here and watch the video, it'll provide you more than sufficient knowledge to comprehend this post.

Freshmen's camp comes with sacrifices: you gotta listen to the mainstream hits all day. All night. This is how I heard Wiggle the first time and to be honest, I liked the beat a tiny bit. It was a rather catchy tune, and as always, I've looked for the lyrics. Not that I expected much, really. But what I found was the  atomic bomb of music industry, the pinnacle of explicit sexism and the final kick to the agonizing body of mainstream hip-hop. Ladies and gents, let's see the lyrics, shall we?

The song begins with an introduction. Not that we don't know who the hell Jason Derulo is. His god damn name is written  before the song's title, and many other places where far more worthy things should appear. Okay, so we have a wild-west style build-up, where Derulo replies to Snoop Mammal:

Hey, yo, Jason
Say somethin' to her
Holla at her
[Laughs]
I got one question
How do you fit all that... in them jeans?
[Laughs]

Alrighty, our intro should already prevent every sane human being on the planet from continuing with this crap. Not me.

You know what to do with that big fat butt

Well, sounds like our chorus is about to start...

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Just a little bit of... swing

Fine, you don't have to invent complicated rhymes all the time. And eventually 'wiggle' rhymes with 'wiggle'. The real apocalypse starts off with the first verse:

Patty cake, Patty cake
With no hands
Got me in this club making wedding plans
If I take pictures while you do your dance
I can make you famous on Instagram

I've stopped myself from looking for rhymes anymore, so let's just analyze the real meaning behind the oft and apparently pointless lines. The artist compares the booty to a patty cake without a hand. This weird metaphor proves itself to be just enough so that the artist wants to marry the owner of the booty. Then he drops an unnecessary line about Instagram because it's popular and we all heard about it.

Hot damn it
Your booty like two planets
Go head, and go ham sandwich
Whoa, I can't stand it

So, apparently these:

both resemble an ass. Before I'd start thinking that by ham sandwich he means something more explicit, let's move on:

(Oh wait it's the chorus, let's skip it.)

Cadillac, Cadillac, pop that trunk
Let's take a shot
Alley oop that dunk tired of working that 9 to 5
Oh baby let me come and change your life

The artist continues to use incomprehensible metaphors, starting off with a car's trunk (I presume women also have a trunk, and that is... yeah, you guessed) and finishes with a completely pointless basketball reference. Ah wait, sexism also peaks here: the artist believes that a working woman's life can be changed if she is willing to become objectified. Girls, shake your ass to Jason and you don't have to work anymore!

(Again those stupid planetary sandwich references...)

Shake what your mama gave you
Misbehave you
I just wanna strip you, dip you, flip you, bubble bathe you
What they do
Taste my rain drops, K boo
Now what you will and what you want and what you may do
Completely separated,
Till I deeply penetrate it
Then I take it out and wipe it off
Eat it, ate it, love it, hate it
Overstated, underrated, everywhere I've been

Can you wiggle, wiggle for the D, O, double G, again?

Snoop Random Animal Name is still representing the quality here, though it's not really hard after reading the previous lines. Basic grammatic mistakes spice the usual sexist verse that has become a signature for Snoop Dogg ever since he entered the lackluster environment of popularized rap and hip-hop.

I'm done. I'm not willing to analyze this crap any further. Go and watch the video clip, or send me some catchy songs to whistle. Cause all I've been whistling for days is wigglewigglewigglewisédfséfksdlfksdélfk...